by Lilly Webb, MS (Marriage and Family Therapist Associate)
One of the reasons that parents will often provide as to why they are seeking therapy for their teen is that they want their child to have someone to talk to, and their teen is currently not sharing personal topics with them. It is an experience that almost every parent of a teenager goes through: my kid and I were pretty close, they used to tell me things, and now I know almost nothing about their life. As parents become aware of the growing concerns over children and teen’s mental health, you might wonder: is my teen depressed? Or perhaps, like many teens, they are experiencing anxiety? However, there are many reasons teens can seem sullen and withdrawn that do not necessarily mean they have a mental health condition.
Why do teens stop talking to or spending time with their parents?
This general pulling away that teens do can be explained by the developmental stage that their brain is in. As tweens become teens, their brains become less focused on learning from their caretakers, and more focused on learning from their peers and experimentation. This change from the child who hugs you goodnight to the child who shrugs away when you try to give them a hug occurs because the teen’s brain is preparing for the independence of adulthood. Research actually shows that teens’ brains are programmed to tune into new voices, particularly in the areas of the brain related to reward processing and assigning social value, whereas younger children’s brains are programmed to tune into the voices of their caregivers. As the child gets older, their brain naturally seeks out information and relationships from new sources because they are preparing for adulthood.
What To Do About It
The book Untangled by Lisa Damour compares parenting a teen to being the walls of a swimming pool. Children utilize the wall as a push off to try and swim on their own, and they know that they can come back to it when they get out of breath or need a break. Teenagers rely on parents much the same way. They want to know that you are there for them to come back to for safety because this helps them feel confident to explore. Supportive parenting can help teens avoid getting depressed or becoming anxious.
It can be difficult at times, but to maintain your relationship with your teen you should:
- Listen to them as much as possible, and ask questions about what they tell you, not just what you wish to know.
- Resist the urge to lecture them, but rather practice listening.
- Engage with the teen on their interests.
- Be okay not being “cool”
- Don’t press them for information. Share information or stories from your own life, which will be more likely to get the teen to reciprocate.
- Talk with your teen like an adult with respect, and make it clear that you value their opinions.
- Listen for the emotion under the disrespect:
- Say things like, “I know you’re upset but it is difficult for me to listen when you’re being unkind. Can you try telling me how you feel right now?”
- Reward and praise almost always works better than punishment.
- The more you push, the more likely the teen is to double-down. Try to approach conversation with an open mind.
When to Seek Help
Although it is developmentally appropriate for teens to seek independence from their parents, there are signs that may indicate a larger concern, such as anxiety, depression, or another psychological condition.
Remember, it is normal for teenagers to pull away from their parents. Their distance from you may actually show that you have raised your child in a loving and supportive environment. With a large dose of patience and a listening ear, a teen will almost always come back to their base of safety: their parents.
But if your teen is isolating themselves from family and friends, if they are no longer engaging in hobbies or interests, or if they appear disproportionately sad, anxious, or angry, it may be time to talk with a licensed professional counselor or psychologist at the Children’s Program here in Portland. Click here to submit a new client inquiry for mental health services if you think your teenager may be experiencing anxiety or depression.